Boundaries

One of the most influential books in my life, and certainly the most influential book in my recovery is, "What Can I Do About Him Me?" By Rhyll Croshaw.  Rhyll has survived some terrible experiences because of her husband's sexual addiction. The wonderful thing is that she has recovered, her husband Steven has recovered, and they now share their knowledge publicly. They founded a 12 step group called SA-Lifeline (salifeline.org). They have dedicated their life to fighting sexual addiction and helping others to do the same.

Rhyll's book taught me about the importance of my recovery.  I had to once again realize that I had no control over my husband or his choices and that it would be unhealthy for me to try to control him.  It is also not a good idea to base my happiness and peace on what my husband may or may not choose to do.  I needed to find myself and I needed to find God.  I could find myself and express my desires and gain control over myself.  The rest is in the control of God and I needed to learn to surrender to His will and trust Him. He is the only person I can fully trust.  He must be the source of my peace and happiness.

Enter boundaries.

Boundaries are about expressing my needs and wants and values.  They are about empowering myself and recognizing the fact that in any circumstance, I do have choices.  My boundaries are my plan of action in my recovery. They are my bottom lines of what I am and am not willing to live with.
The first boundary I set was this: I will not allow television in my home.

For a long time I was really bugged about the television watching that was going on in my home.  I hated the immodesty, the vulgarity, the darkness, and the dark feeling that was infiltrating my home through that box.  I'm talking about prime time television.  I'm talking about family game shows that couldn't stay away from inappropriate subjects.  I'm talking about widely accepted and popular TV shows that are full of sleeze.
I finally realized that I don't have to live that way!  I have the right to be comfortable in my own home.  I have the right to turn off inappropriate television in my home if it makes me feel afraid or uncomfortable.  I have choices as the mother and wife in my home.  If my family and husband want to watch TV, they can... but not in my house.  I am well aware that they can and might make poor television viewing decisions outside of my home, but MY house no longer has TV.  That makes me feel good.  That makes me feel a little safer.  That brings the spirit into my home, which is of utmost importance to me.  I am so glad I set this boundary! The spirit in my home has increased 10 fold and my kids don't even miss it (thankfully!).  However, it was a battle that I was prepared to fight if necessary. I was prepared to throw the TV on the ground and smash it with a hammer (and I sort of wanted to).  Luckily, we were able to calmly take it down and sell it ;).

Other boundaries I set included:

I have the right to expect 100% honesty and transparency from my husband. I have the right to feel safe in my marriage and not have to ask my husband how he is doing in recovery, therefore I ask for nightly disclosure of feelings and recovery work from my husband.  If he does not keep this boundary, I will ask him to sleep elsewhere until I am feeling safe in our marriage again.

I will not engage in sex unless I feel emotionally connected with my husband.  I will not use sex as a medication for his stress, thus feeding his addiction.  I will not use sex as a reward or withhold it as punishment.

I will not tolerate or live with active addiction in my home or marriage and I refuse to enable addict behavior.  If I am aware of slips or a relapse, I will ask my husband to leave the home.  If he will not leave, I will, because I recognize that slips and relapses (without increasing time between i.e., measurable progress) are a result of not working an effective recovery.  (I set this as a hard boundary because he had been sober for 6 months at this point).

I can expect to have a husband who is committed to recovery.  If I do not see minimal observable recovery behaviors in my husband including attending 12 step meetings, keeping my boundaries, and disclosing his recovery efforts, I will ask him to leave the home.

I give myself permission to listen to my gut, and to listen to the promptings of the Spirit.  I will follow what my instincts or the Spirit tells me to do.  I will be true to myself and what I know is right.

I will allow myself to forgive on my own timetable. I will work toward forgiveness as a gift to myself and let go of resentment that hurts only me.  I have the right to allow my husband to earn trust and I will only trust again as I see behaviors that are deserving of trust.

I will allow myself to feel the feelings that come during my recovery and work through them without rushing myself. I will allow myself to heal slowly and on my own timetable. I will choose not to blame myself for his choices.  They are not my fault, nor my responsibility.

I will take care of my personal needs including resting when I need to rest, and practicing regular self care.

These boundaries are not about trying to control my husband.  I have absolutely no control over his choices. Boundaries are about protecting myself from my husband's addictive behaviors. I do have a right to say what I will and will not live with.  I have the right to protect myself and the responsibility to protect my home and children.  I have a right to feel safe in my home and in my marriage.  That is what boundaries are all about.

 Knowing my boundaries and the consequences of breaking them, my husband was free to choose what he would do.  Thankfully, because he was very willing to do whatever it took to overcome his addiction, he was willing to keep my boundaries.  Many women that I know who are in situations similar to mine have husbands who do not keep their boundaries and who do not work recovery.  Their position is very difficult and I admire their strength as they follow through with their boundaries and consequences in order to keep themselves healthy and protect their homes and children.

Brandon also made boundaries for himself. Some that I am aware of included:

No television in the home.
No being alone in the bedroom with a closed door.
No attending swimming pools or going to beaches.
Daily scripture reading and prayer individually as well as leading the family.
Weekly attendance of 12 step meetings.
Finding a 12 step sponsor and working toward becoming a sponsor.
Daily reading from educational books on pornography addiction, recovery, or other uplifting material.

Thank goodness for boundaries!  They have empowered me and changed my life.

For more information on boundaries visit:
http://utahcoalition.org/project/how-do-i-set-boundaries-in-recovery/