What we've learned about Recovery- In a Nutshell

Since July of 2015 my husband and I have been learning principles of true recovery.  We have learned that sobriety and repentance from pornography addiction are parts of recovery, but alone they are not true recovery.  We have learned that I too need recovery in order to heal from betrayal trauma in healthy ways.  We tried to narrow down the most important things we have learned about each so that we could present this information to the bishop's of our stake.  This is what we shared with them:

What we’ve learned about Lust Addiction (Sexual/Pornography addiction)

The root of sexual addiction is actually a lust addiction.  Pornography is just one drug of choice and is almost always accompanied by masturbation. Other forms of acting out are fantasizing and objectification, and in more extreme cases, infidelity, indecent exposure, strip clubs, or voyeurism. The addiction is always accompanied by lying and deceit. An untreated sexual addiction will progress to worse forms of acting out in order to satisfy the same urge.

Pornography is extremely addictive. It causes chemical changes in the brain similar to cocaine use.  We should not treat this addiction any less seriously than we would treat a drug addiction.

Addiction begins in the mind. An addict needs to rid himself of lust and fantasy in order to overcome sexual and pornography addiction. This involves a process of completely changing the way their brain thinks and learning to look at women as whole people, daughters of God, and not objects.

Repentance is not overcoming sexual addiction. Many addicts repent, fast, pray, attend the temple, and yet struggle with addiction for years.  These actions are valuable to building spirituality, but more help than this is necessary to overcome sexual addiction. Addiction is almost impossible to overcome in isolation.  It thrives in secrecy and shame. Addicts are used to denying, minimizing, rationalizing, lying, hiding, and living in shame.  They lie to themselves and they lie and tell partial truths to their spouses and leaders.  Overcoming and changing requires outside help. Support groups such as PASG and SA, individual counseling (to discover healthy alternative coping skills and how to become emotionally aware), and working with church leaders are all essential to recovery.

Sobriety is not the same as recovery.  Simply refraining from acting out is not recovery.  Real recovery is an effort and focus requiring actions and change that must continue throughout the rest of an addict’s life.

Real recovery requires deep humility and a change of heart. An addict who is not in recovery will not want to talk about their addiction or recovery.  An addict who is in recovery will not stop talking about it.  Recovery requires complete honesty, openness, and accountability.  It is not just about stopping thoughts and actions.  It’s about a whole new way of being and complete change of heart.

Triggers and action plans/boundaries. Absolutely essential to recovery is identifying triggers- what takes place in the addicts life or day that leads him to acting out. All addicts have them and they must be identified in order to develop a plan to avoid them or address them when they arise.

The 12 step program is not just a one-time event.  There are many addicts who have been sober for many years and still attend.  One may question why they are attending the 12-step groups if they are sober.  The answer is that the attendance of 12 step groups is the reason they are able to remain sober.

Connection and Intimacy is the opposite of Pornography addiction. It is important to understand what leads someone to addiction. It is almost always due to a lack of human connection in their lives. The lack of real connection leads them to seek temporary or false connections that give them immediate release of stress or pain, only to cause that same stress and pain after the euphoria wears off, thus creating the addictive cycle. Sex alone is not connection or intimacy.  Sex should be the result of intimacy.  Sex addicts do not realize this.  They need to learn how to have true intimacy and connection in their marriage. Telling a couple to have more sex only feeds the addiction and does not help the addict or the wife.

 

What we’ve learned about Betrayal Trauma (Assuming the addict is the husband and the spouse is the wife)

Betrayal Trauma is real. When a wife of a husband addicted to pornography discovers his addiction (or discovers there has been relapses), she suffers betrayal trauma.  Especially in an LDS marriage, because of the betrayal of temple covenants, as well as the shock of the discovery of behaviors, secrets, and lies, the wife experiences trauma with effects similar to PTSD. The wife is dealing with a complete reversal of what she thought was true about her husband and her life.  This is shocking and takes a while to come to grips with.  Intense feelings of anxiety, heartache, fear, shame, confusion, and even guilt are normal.  Expect extreme mood swings. Many wives think their husband’s addiction is their fault.  They need to learn that it is not their fault.

Professional complete disclosure is crucial to healing.  She needs to know the truth.  A wife cannot heal if she doesn’t know what she is healing from. Complete disclosure of all of her husband’s actions is essential to her recovery.  This should be done in a professional setting. She needs to be involved in her husband’s recovery process.  Please include her in meetings and discussions.

Isolation compounds her pain. Betrayal trauma is an extremely lonely trial. There are not many people in whom the spouse can confide in, and of those people, not many understand exactly what she is going through.  Support groups and individual therapy can help the spouse express emotion, learn recovery principles (such as setting boundaries), and begin healing.  She needs to have a few people that she can trust in whom she can confide. Help and support will aide her to work through her emotions and begin a path of healing and recovery.  Reaching out from a bishop goes a long way in helping her feel support. Offering priesthood blessings is helpful. The best thing a bishop can do for her is listen empathetically, involve her, and provide resources for her to aide her healing. 

Setting Boundaries is crucial. A spouse must learn that she has no control over her husband and his choices, and that it is unhealthy to try to control him or his choices. However, she does have control over her life and choices, and she can protect herself through setting boundaries.  Learning about boundaries is the most crucial thing I have discovered in my recovery because they help me feel safe.  They help me protect myself and my family.  Setting and enforcing boundaries has been the most beneficial to my recovery.  Boundaries are excellently explained by Adam Moore with the Utah Coalition against Pornography (UCAP) and the video can be found on ucapconference.org.

Forgiveness is not the same as trust.  Forgiveness does not mean that what happened was okay.  A betrayed spouse can extend forgiveness to her husband- meaning she is letting go of the resentment and bitterness.  Forgiveness comes in time.  Being asked to forgive too soon is not healthy or conducive to full recovery. Allow the spouse time to feel the pain, work through the heartache and varied emotions, and then come to a place where she can extend forgiveness.

Trust must be earned and is re-gained slowly.  Spouses will have trust issues of varying degrees with men and priesthood holders as a result of her husband’s actions.  Spouses will probably forgive long before they trust again.