Our Story

For me, our story begins in 1994.

My name is Jaylynn Bryson.  I met my husband, Brandon Bryson, on the first day of school at Ricks College in 1994.  We quickly fell in love and were married after we graduated from Ricks in May of 1995.  I was 19 and Brandon was 23 years old at the time.  I say that my story begins here because an LDS temple marriage was the culmination of all of my hopes and dreams up until that point.  I thought my story would now simply become happily ever after.

Brandon and I are Latter Day Saints and were married in the Bountiful temple.  We made sacred covenants to each other there, including promises to remain faithful in every way.  Brandon treated me like a queen and we had a wonderful marriage.  I felt like the "honeymoon phase" lasted for years.  We joyfully welcomed a daughter into our family on our one year anniversary.  Two years later we welcomed a son.

At this time, home computers were becoming popular and we purchased one.  Brandon was attending school at Weber State University part time and working part time.  I was working the night shift as a mother/baby nurse at McKay-Dee Hospital.  We were busy but happy.

One day, five years into our marriage, I vividly remember going into the basement bedroom of our house that we had made into an office, and turning on the computer.  A message appeared that the computer had not been properly shut down during its last use, and a pornographic image came to the screen. The image was burned into my mind.  I was shocked to see it.  My mind reeled.  Having only 2 small children, the only explanation was that my husband had a problem with pornography.

I walked upstairs and called Brandon, who was at work.  When he answered I asked him, "Do you have a problem with pornography?"  I'm sure it surprised him and he was silent momentarily. He then quietly said, "Yes".  I hung up the phone, dropped it, and began to cry.  I will never forget the despair, confusion, and pain of that moment.  I wasn't sure what to believe about my husband or my marriage. Everything that I knew to be true suddenly seemed to be in question.

I told Brandon that he needed to confess to the bishop.  He agreed and made the appointment.  He was relieved to have been caught and he wanted to repent.  As we sat in the dark hallway of the church, he told me there was more.  He then stated that masturbation accompanied his pornography use.  I was naive and I was shocked.  That confession cut me to the core.  I felt that he had truly cheated on me to the image of other women.  I couldn't stand the thought.

I remember the bishop giving us an article to read that he had printed from the Ensign, but I don't remember what the article was about.  Brandon had to refrain from taking the sacrament for a few weeks.  I don't remember any other follow up or help.

I remember telling my dad that I didn't know if I should get a divorce.  My dad told me simply, "That's not a reason to divorce."  I felt very unsupported and alone.  I felt that having no trust in my husband could very well be a reason to divorce.  Brandon was repentant however, and in time I forgave him. Our marriage continued in the same manner as before.  Brandon has always been a wonderful and kind husband and an excellent and caring father. Once in a while I would ask him if he struggled with pornography, but he would always say no.

When we had been married for 12 years, Brandon approached me one day after church.  I was sitting on our bed reading.  He sat next to me and was very nervous.  He told me that he had been meeting with our bishop because he had been struggling with pornography over the past several years.  He was very afraid I would leave him.  My initial response was shock, however, he was extremely down on himself and sorrowful and I remember telling him, "This addiction is not who you are. I know the real you."

Over the next few days, the reality of his confession slowly sunk in.  I began to grasp the fact that I had been lied to for years.  He had been living a double life and had deceived me.  I remember asking him, "So all of those times when I asked how you were doing, you lied to me?"  The answer was a reluctant and remorseful, "Yes."  The pain of being lied to, face to face, so many times by someone I loved and trusted was actually more painful than the knowledge of his acting out.

I began to "freak out" for lack of a better description. I now know that what I was experiencing has a name: Betrayal Trauma. I went to the hospital and quit my job as a labor and delivery nurse on the spot, without notice.  Luckily my boss was understanding and supportive.  I had been working the night shift and that is when he acted out.  I felt that I couldn't leave the home.  I had to monitor my husband, our computer, our kids, everything.

It didn't take long for me to realize that I could not live that way- in constant fear.  And so I did the opposite- I decided to not care.  My husband had hurt me deeply and there was nothing I could do about it.  He may continue to look at pornography.  He may continue to lie.  This could all happen again, and I had no control.  In order to protect myself from future hurt, I built up walls around my heart.  I determined that he would not hurt me again.  I stopped feeling love for him.  At this time, an old boyfriend from high school began to message me on Facebook.  I began to develop an emotional relationship with him.  Ironically our discussions began as religious and gospel based, but soon he wanted more.  I would never cross physical lines with him, but I was definitely pulling away from my husband and heading down a very dangerous path.  I pulled away from the gospel and stopped praying.  I very seriously contemplated divorce.  It was an extremely dark time in my life.  Brandon was aware of most of my actions and he became suicidal because of the relationship I had with another man.  We began marriage counseling with LDS family services. I feel that the counseling was mildly helpful in our marriage.

My dad was actually the person who helped me the most at this time. One night after my four children were in bed and Brandon had left the house in anger following a fight, I was sobbing and walking through the house closing the shutters.  I remember it was about 10pm and suddenly there appeared my dad. He walked into my house and asked me how I was doing and I told him, "Not good, Dad.  Not good."  We sat down on my couch and I told him everything.  He already knew about Brandon's addiction, but at this time I confessed my struggles and relationship with another man.  My dad was very compassionate and listened to me as I poured my heart out.  He then told me the story of his mother, my grandma, who was married to an alcoholic.  My grandma went through difficulties in her marriage and as a teenager my dad witnessed first hand the struggles of his parents.  My dad told me that one night he was talking with his mom and said, "You don't have to stay married to dad.  You don't have to live like this."  But my grandma chose to stay by the side of my grandpa, and she endured until the day he died.

The message to me was clear.  I had a choice- but I needed to make a choice and then stick with it.  I decided to fight for my marriage.  I ended the emotional affair, and Brandon and I struggled to repair our marriage. We got matching tattoos to symbolize all that we had been through- our scars that stood for the fight for our marriage that we were determined to win.

I saw my bishop and went through the repentance process for my actions.  However, I still felt very alone and had only a few friends and family members who knew of my struggles.  Brandon began to attend an addiction recovery program that the church sponsored. It was a general program for people struggling with any addiction. I attended one meeting with him.  He completed the 12 steps and learned a lot. He considered himself cured.

Our marriage was slowly strengthened and we pulled together quite remarkably through the next several years of financial ruin.  Brandon was fired from the job he loved and was unemployed for 7 months.  He subsequently began work as a truck driver and ended up losing that job the following year just before Thanksgiving.  We lost our home and our cars.  It was very humbling, but brought us closer as a family.

The years passed and things began to normalize in our marriage, although we haven't yet recovered financially.  Love returned and trust began to return to a great degree.  Occasionally I would ask Brandon if he ever struggled with the temptation of pornography.  He told me that the temptation was present at times, but that he did not act on it.

Around this time, my sister introduced me to an Instagram account called @thelightkeepers.  I began to learn a lot about pornography addiction and recovery from the personal experiences of a brave woman who shares her story.  I also began to learn about betrayal trauma. This is the trauma that occurs when the person whom another trusts significantly violates that trust or well-being. The spouse of an addict experiences this when she discovers her husband's deception through pornography addiction and infidelity- at whatever level it may have reached.  The symptoms are similar to PTSD. Looking back, it was obvious to me that I had experienced betrayal trauma in the past and had not healed appropriately. Little did I know that being led to this instagram account, and learning all that I learned would prove to be a great blessing.

After 20 years of marriage, in July of 2015, Brandon stood next to me one day as I got ready for work and told me that he had watched some movies that were haunting him.   I truly thought that he had watched an inappropriate television show or maybe a rated R movie and I was disappointed because I had been expressing my discontent with the fact that he liked to stay up and watch mindless TV at night when I went to work.  He also liked to watch shows like Survivor (which I detest because of the immodesty), and The Walking Dead (which I detest because of the violence and darkness), and I had been telling him how much I wished he would stop watching them.  I went to work after his "confession" and through the 12 hour night shift began to realize that there might be more to these "movies" then I thought.

Keep in mind that my husband was a very active LDS man at this time.  He held callings in church. He had a testimony of the gospel.  He was a very good father and husband.

After my shift I came home with dread in my heart and woke Brandon from sleep around 7am.  I asked him what the name of the movie was that he had watched.  When he told me the title, I wanted to vomit.  I had to flee.  I went to my closet and fell on the floor in physical pain and agony.  I could not believe this was happening again!  For the third time in my marriage I had been completely blindsided. I didn't understand how this could have happened.  The sorrow and despair was overwhelming.

Over the next several days and weeks I pulled disclosure from him that he had relapsed over the years and had again been lying to me about it.  It was horrible and painful, but this time I was prepared with knowledge and tools.  I knew the magnitude of the addiction that my husband was facing, and I knew that I was facing betrayal trauma again.  I knew what needed to be done.